Beachcombiing – Resolutions

At this time of year, many people work up a list of resolutions to implement in 2026. I’m perfect in every way, so I have worked up a list of resolutions for others to adopt. For instance:

Retail Stores: Since our council is adept at making business management decisions, they should also legislate that stores hire a security guard who is authorized to lop off one finger each time a shoplifter is caught.

Shopping Carts – Resolve to return your shopping cart to the corral. The cart did not abandon you; you abandoned it. Walking an extra 12 feet is not an endurance sport.

Bar Patrons – Anyone ordering an alcoholic beverage in Belmont Shore past midnight must be given a Rubik’s Cube to solve before they can have another beverage.

Guns – Resolve this year to treat firearms with seriousness, restraint and common sense. Guns are not fashion accessories, political props, or extensions of one’s personality. If you feel the need to display one in public to make a point, the point has already been missed.

Police – Extend basic courtesy to police officers, even when you disagree with policy, procedure, or the speed of a traffic stop. Civility costs nothing, escalates nothing, and keeps situations from turning into stories no one wants to read the next day.

Traffic Offences – Drivers receiving more than one ticket for running through a red light must witness the autopsy of an innocent accident victim after each subsequent violation.

Turn Signals – In the coming year, resolve to use your turn signal. Not as a last-second courtesy blink, but as an actual advance notice of intent. Think of it less as optional décor and more as basic communication among humans piloting two-ton metal boxes.

Tailgating – Following another car by inches does not make traffic move faster. It just raises everyone’s blood pressure and confirms that patience remains optional.

Bollards – Those ugly, plastic green poles on Bellflower Boulevard should be filled with concrete and anchored to the road using thick rebar. Then, the motorists who deliberately mow them down can pay to have their vehicles towed to a body shop, assuming repairs are even possible.

Cell Phones – Turn off your speakerphone in public. No one in line at the pharmacy needs to hear about your cousin’s rash, your dinner plans, or your ongoing feud with customer service. If your call requires amplification, it should also require consent.

Technology – Resolve to restart your device before calling tech support. And when the technician asks if you’ve tried restarting, do not sigh as if offended. They are not questioning your intelligence – only your honesty.

Dog Owners – Pick up after your pet. Every time. Without exception. Your dog’s contribution to the sidewalk is not biodegradable community art.

Potty Time – In bathrooms everywhere, make it your mission to replace the empty toilet paper roll. This simple act separates civilized society from chaos. If you use the last square, the roll is now your responsibility.

Potty Mouth – Resolve to dial back the foul language, especially in public spaces. Swearing has its place – usually after stubbing a toe. Eating a bar of soap will cure this problem.

Courts – Any judge who awards public funds in a civil trial must obtain approval from the public for the award or pay it out of their own pocket.

Lawyers – Accident attorneys advertising on television must pay 100% of their judgment to TV viewers for “pain and suffering.”

Politicians – Elected officials must abide by all legislation they impose on the public, meaning no special privileges or benefits will be permitted, especially when it comes to health insurance and retirement income.

If we can all commit to these resolutions, the year ahead could be calmer, quieter and significantly less annoying. And wouldn’t that be something worth celebrating? Happy New Year from the Beachcomber team.

publisher@beachcomber.news