Beachcombing

This was an outstanding Christmas. Here’s a sampling of what was under the tree this year:

Mercury Insurance CEO Gabriel Tirador sent a $50,000 check and an apology for not fixing – in a New York minute – my home’s parquet floor that was damaged by a water heater burst seven years ago.

Long Beach Public Works Director Eric “Pothole” Lopez gave me a blank check for car repairs and to have Clark Avenue resurfaced. Included was an apology for hiring an incompetent contractor to smooth the asphalt surface after the gas lines were replaced.

Mayor Rex Richardson had his 100-member PR staff give us a year’s supply of self-serving quotations to put in the second paragraph of all city press releases so that the city employees who really deserve the credit can get marginalized.

CSULB President Jane “Shark” Conoley’s Christmas card included an apology for terminating Prospector Pete along with a promise to reinstate him and the Forty-Niner moniker before she departs her gold-rush job in June.

Governor Gavin Newsom provided a proclamation naming our home a sanctuary property, thus protecting my undocumented, non-English-speaking staff (personal assistant, secretary, publicist, gardener, housekeeper, chef, chauffeur, pool cleaner, masseuse, handyman, etc.) from ICE officers.

President Joe “Baksheesh” Biden sent a credit card with an upper limit of $180 billion to cover the college tuition for all my family members, friends and anyone else who promises not to call it a “vote-for-me” bribe – using our money.

President-Elect Donald Trump’s gift was a supply of fill-in-the-blank transferrable pardons for all impeachable offenses committed during his second term in office.

Elon Musk provided a lump of coal, along with the admonition that “I’m in charge now; get over it.”

Humerous oneliners courtesy of Mike Oller:

• My wife wants me to wear a bracelet that belonged to her grandfather. It says, “Do Not Resuscitate.”
• It’s been months since I bought the book, “How to Scam People Online.” It hasn’t arrived yet.
• If you have a red wine stain on your carpet, get some white wine and drink it until you don’t care anymore.
• One good thing about being wrong is the joy it brings to others.
• Even more rare than a doctor who can’t stand the sight of blood is a lawyer who can’t stand the sight of money.
• If your palm itches, you are going to get something. If your crotch itches, you’ve already got it.
• My wife and I decided to never go to bed angry. We’ve been awake since Tuesday.
• My wife said: “That’s the 4th time you’ve gone back for dessert! Doesn’t it embarrass you?” I said: “No, I keep telling them it’s for you.”
• I know how it will all end for me, one of my kids will unplug my life support to charge their phone.
• At a wedding reception, someone yelled: “All married people, please stand next to the one person that has made your life worth living.” The bartender was almost crushed to death.
• I met my wife at a single’s night. I was surprised because I thought she was home with the kids.
   

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