Movie Review: 'Blockers'

By: 
John Thomas

We’re going to make a film about parenting – similar to the 60s TV series The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet Nelson. Unlike the Nelsons, there won’t be just a real family of four, but three different families with three non-related children. The setting won’t show daily life but the time around the kids’ senior prom. So as to not hurt anyone’s feelings, “be user friendly” and “politically correct,” here is a checklist of what we need to include in our film we’ll call Blockers.

1) A super, alpha-male, pumped-up bodybuilder who has a feminine side – one who cries a lot and and acts motherly towards his child. We can cast John Cena in that role; we might increase box-office revenue by including a nude scene.

2) A divorced, sensitive, scatterbrained, bimbo mother-type who fears her life is unraveling. She’s losing the last little bit of focus in her life – her daughter. She is an attractive, vulnerable, single mom who has only the one interest, this daughter who may be moving away to college. Leslie Mann would be good for the part.

3) A looser-type, absentee father who’s abandoned his family to lead the carefree singles’ life. He suddenly reappears hoping to become an important influence to his estranged daughter, become her pal and guide her actions. There’s no one better for that part than Ike Barinholtz.

4) An Indian actor. They make a lot of movies in India, buy a lot of tickets, and see a lot of films. We have to tap into that market, and the best way to do that is to include someone from India in the cast. For the same reasons, we also need to include an Asian actor – plus the Asians finance our films.

5) To appease the LGBTQ community we have to have some gays and lesbians in the story. Perhaps one of the daughters could be a lesbian – in the closet or out, doesn’t matter. The daughters have to be good role models for teens – tough, driven, prevailing and independent. Super-teens, in other words.

6) We have to consider the African-American population. If we had an interracial couple we could satisfy that group and the African-Americans at the same time. A black step-day would be perfect.

7) Lots of technology. We have to appear techno-savvy and make light of the differences between us and the younger generation, slaves to the internet and social media.

As far as the story in concerned, the relationship between the characters doesn’t have to make much sense as long as we include the above ingredients. Stay with the Ozzie and Harriet idea. Blockers doesn’t have to be a great film, just amusing. Yes, let’s strive for amusing or even better, entertaining. Above all, however, it must be politically correct – this is 2018 after all!

Directed by Kay Cannon, Blockers is a “should see” film running 102 minutes.

johan@beachcomber.news

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